Relationships
- Current mood: Okay🐱
- Listening to: Graham Kartna - cigSmilesLA TMP
- Watching: Helluva Boss
- Reading: The Final Strife
- Playing: Slime Rancher 2
- Drinking: water
I've been thinking really hard about myself and my relationship with well, relationships. For the longest, I've been only interested in practicing monogamy. Having my one and only! What a dreamy thing. But lately I've been challenging this. Why did I want monogamy? Why do I want to be bound to only one person and for the rest of my life?
I'm ashamed to admit I'm a jealous person. It makes you afraid to admit that you're...afraid. Afraid of the possibility of being lesser. Not being good enough. Did I want monogamy so my partner could only focus on me? To pursue that happy fairytale fantasy that society says you should?
He's made for her! And she's made for him! That's the way its always been! And it's perfect! And it's pure! And it's protected with a ring!🎶
I've decided to make myself uncomfortable and think about non-monogamy. Would I still be jealous? If it's established that we're open to date others? Flirt with others? Have sex with others? Would I be okay seeing my partner in love with someone else? I've tried polyamory once, during my teens. It was a terrible attempt with bad communication on my part. However, as an adult kissing 30, I'd like...to try it again.
I've been listening to a book on communication in relationships both monogamous and polyamorous and it's made me feel a bunch of emotions. Shame, frustration, anger, hope. I feel I can be better about communication in my next relationship. And polyamorous ones require a lot of communication.
So, why do I want to try polyamory? I want to challenge myself and lay my insecurities to rest. I want more freedom. I'm curious. Having multiple people who love you instead of just one? Sounds pretty nice. I know some people make monogamy work, but people make polyamory work too!
That being said—dating apps do not work for me, hahaha!